Sunday, February 01, 2009

Out with the old, in with the new--but not so fast.

This morning my heart hurt which I ignored until meditation. I had been avoiding unpacking the purchases about which I felt so conflicted. They seemed so extravagant like my life choices right now, building a house, spending $1000s of dollars on something I can already foresee crumbling back to earth. Letting go of the simple, inexpensive way of life and moving into another way of being here is frightening. Where are the values I've held all these years? The ones I'm attached to and rather proud of? What is the point of this change I am making? I could have stayed quiet and close to the earth, coming and going quite easily without the stress of building and afterwards, upkeep.

I spent the morning feeling the tug and pull of conflicted feelings and finally went down to the river where I could sit and watch the water flow and feel the release that accompanies such idleness. The sun had gone off the rocks on my side of the river so lying in the warmth and doing yoga was out of the questions. Bear tracks, nice clear ones, lots of deer, raccoons and a couple of humans had all been there before me. I walked upriver, stumbling a bit, the torque on bad knees hampering me. I sat for a while and then wandered down river to sit by the cedar tree I love and looked at the "Montana calendar picture" of the river curving into the mountains. A few high clouds were coming in.

I remembered that the river didn't care that it hadn't rained, that it was too warm for January or that I was conflicted with doubt. It flowed on. And it would flow on long after I'm gone, continuing on through whatever human or animal traffic came and sat or sniffed around. It would flow on whether the woods burned up or a shopping mall was built above it or if humans never came again. It flows on and life in whatever form flows on and for whatever reason the house going up as my life here continues.

It is something to do that might make my life easier, but will not make it any happier. I sometimes get up the morning rather daunted by the big empty day ahead of me, glad that there is laundry to do, or house to clean. I often let my habits carry me through the day. Maybe it is time to shed that old skin of habits and move onward with a flow. A new stage of life before the final transformation. I went home and later unpacked the new LCD TV and the DVD player.

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