Nanny speaks II
When I arrive in the morning she is either napping or almost ready to nap. Usually 9am is naptime. She gets fussy just before she goes to sleep, but is soothed by singing, although initially she sometimes cried harder before quieting--like one last protest. I have made up several songs all repetitious and all saying how wonderful she is. The Pali Metta chant works also, but sometimes my voice cracks and just doesn't want to sing.
A few weeks ago she found her feet and was in love in with them, held them at every opportunity. Diaperless and shameless she grins and bare bottomed holds her feet while we change her. She is so pleased with them. They make her smile when she sees them, reaches for them, grabs them and holds them as she lies on her back, or sits on a lap. She can even get them in her mouth. It makes me happy to see this discovery of hers, that her far end has been reached, at least on the physical plain and her body outline filled in
Now after 2 months of this I'm just beginning to feel like my head is above water and I can enjoy her and play with her. Spent an hour with her on the floor. She diaperless, rolling from side to side, clutching some of the cables that run over the rug, and alternately talking to me, which consists of making sounds, especially vowels, and a few hhhhhhs and laughing at my imitation of her. It was a relaxed and fun time so I could let go and not worry about what was coming next or how I could protect her in this situation. There was no way she could be hurt. Just as I get the diaper she pees of course. But the couch cover doesn't let it get to the rug.
As I put her to sleep for the 3rd nap, I realize some bond has deepened to the point that she is sucking herself to sleep, holding onto my fingers. I felt the presence of trust, palipable in my body and hers, as that bond rose to consciousness and embraced us.