Thursday, November 25, 2004

Greed, hatred, delusion--letter to a friend

Politics isn't a very nurturing arena. I have taken a
break from it, other than the usual email alerts.
Being near a dharma center is changing my meditation
and has been a huge help in maintaining balance since
the election--I have let go of hope more than ever
before and that is a huge relief. Politics has been
such a source of suffering for me, and the illusion of
some control--well, an illusion. There is something
much larger at work, and it may not be very pretty if
it's greed, hatred and delusion running full tilt, but
I don't know enough to know. Uncertainty is the only

The time on the cushion is well spent. Did a weekend
retreat and was having a tantrum(internally) with
angry energy. I wasn't getting any happier, that the
world wasn't better, I have to have another fucking
operation. I bashed and banged around inside my head
until all crescendoed into a huge insight!!!!!

Saw implacable hatred--the traumatized child curling
in on herself with bitterness and unforgiveness and
blind to everything else but the wound and the hatred.
At the same time some very very fine energy was
coming into awareness, something I could call love,
but it was finer and and purer. I kept trying to
ignore it--it was sooo hard to admit it into awareness
because the impalcable hatred didn't want it to
interfer with its truth. Slowly slowly I let it be
there and was able to hold both the hatred and the
fine, light energy of emptiness.

The cool thing was that until I admitted the hatred, I
couldn't see the emptiness. And after a few days of
reflection, I realize it was my shadow self I was
seeing finally fully and once having seen it and
allowed it to be there, a shift has come, a new
configuration of my inner world which has much more
equanimity and acceptance. After all, how am I
different from all the other humans in the world? I
have the full package of humanity inside me--it can't
be helped or denied. And from that understanding, it
is more possible to watch "the magical display"

I was curious about the moveon meeting because
I love the characters involved, but was glad I didn't
have to sit through it. I think we hold a space that
is important--the work has to be done on ourselves.
The Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King,
Jr. all show us it is possible to be an activist and
a spiritual leader. That's what we don't have in the
country right now. And although I've always echewed
the idea of a "leader", I think humans aren't in a
place where they can do without it. Right now we are
being lead by great examples of the three roots of
suffering--such example is so obvious and blatant that
it is fascinating in my more detached moments.

So yes, the cushion calls and we answer and that is a
good thing.

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