Monday, September 26, 2005

Thoughts on a Grey Morning

Grey, grey day. I start a fire of trash and sit with computer contact and resist going outside. Everything is quiet and there is nothing to do now that I've washed the dishes. I lay in bed this morning under the covers touching the small mind I get caught in, but seeing beyond it into a world of possibilities, The foremost possibility is to be free of the mindset that holds me hostage to fear and mistrust because then the world opens to freedom and joy. Usually I get stuck fighting the mindset but this hasn't happened lately. I started to feel burdened by all the work there is to do here and at some point remember that I don't have to be here. I have a place here to come to, but there is a world beyond which beckons with grandchild and China and Mexico and even if trips don't materialize out of the country, the energy of freedom is there.

There is in the cabin now a split in the floor board through which light shines. It is where the desk chair rolls back and forth. In the winter cold air will come through and godknows the light shining through speaks to me of entropy and endless work that is done here to keep a place warm, dry and habitable. I love this old cabin but it is not a house that gives you a feel of permanence. It is "a place to keep your tools dry while you build" as the real estate guy told us when we bought it. Instead we moved in and let the seasons roll on by and let children come and go and friends move in and out and husbands leave and boyfriends come and go and dogs live and die and, most recently, fire rage through. I am humbled by this passing scene--all much larger than my small speck of awareness which seeks something beyond itself only to find that the small speck encompasses it all.

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