Friday, January 21, 2011

Spring in January continues

I drove to Hayfork and went to the hardware store to get supplies. I bought shade trees and some compost and fill dirt to plant them in. The guys waiting on me remarked about the good weather and we made complimentary and satified noises together about this until I remarked that we needed more rain and snow. And they nodded heads and chucked and tished about how that was so true, "Yep, more snow!" "Uh, huh".

We were having such a warm and friendly good old boy get together that I took the conversation farther and said that I also like the cold, dreary, ice and snow because there's no excuse to go outside and you get to stay indoors and sit by the fire and look out the window and dream. That was perhaps a little farther than they wanted to go or at least to admit to. We finished our business and I picked up the lawnmower I left there in October, thanking him for the blade sharpening and tune up.

But I was glad to have found that truth of mine. When it's cold dreary and dark, when the rain is pounding down and has been pounding down for days and the creeks are roaring and maybe it starts to snow or freeze, then a warm fire, some soup, some fresh made bread and I am sequestered alone at home. and loving it. To be at home with yourself is when the internal world gets its chance to unfold and appear and do its work, throwing up into consciousness the items denied and pushed aside in the rush to maintain the outer life.

Last Sunday was such a day, not cold, not rainy, but one in which I made time and room for the inner life. What arose, to my initial dismay, was fear of death and aging and sadness about the increasing limitations of age. I'm 72. There was no looking away from this and I spent quite a while exploring the depths of this dis-ease. I realized that the fear and sadness had been coloring my whole experience as denied and unacknowledged emotions do. And I felt much lighter for having spent a day surrendering to the truth of how life on this planet progresses, and how it ends. It is truth that settles the conflict of the heart and mind and centers the human willing to face it, peacefully and joyfully on what is.

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